 Saw the doctor again today- the pain in my chest wall has gotten better, hip worse. Got more meds and a referral to a specialist, whom I see Tuesday. I really have no idea what's going on with my Tess' situation... She had been scheduled to go to Chicago later next week, but now it sounds like she may be admitted here instead. Its been an interesting experience- physical pain. Never experienced much of it in my life. Don't enjoy it... and especially don't enjoy not being able to chop wood etc., but not getting to me. I have a friend going through horrible experience, and he said he'd hate to be me and be angry at God... I'm not, and I'd hate to be him. No, I don't enjoy pain, passing out from it, etc., but it does not create an emotional / existential crisis. The crisis is when I stand up and my hip starts to give out, and that's neither emotional nor existential. The "Why God / why me" question isn't bothering me either. Again- when I see people let others suffer when they could help, act in a hateful prejudiced way, add laws to the 10 God set down... that upsets me. This... just makes me pass out, and keeps me from chopping wood. Not obsessing, freaking, catastrophising... just passing out from pain from time to time. As for the pain... well life has it, doesn't it. If I can't chop wood, then it gives me time to post videos like this, of my family and pets playing in a leaf pile: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4p-tTnqJrRM
Shot lots of video of the pups and kinder playing in the massive sycamore leaf pile my mother raked up. Here is part one. Its so nice that in this day of the Wii and bluetooth and cyber-everything, such pure basic joy can be found and enjoyed... sometimes low tech is the best!
 This is my family's coat of arms. Frankly, its not as bad-@ss as some of the other Frankenmuth families... but its mine.
 So... let me get this straight...
And when something goes wrong, you ask why did I let it happen?  Memo from God: Quit blaming Me- why did YOU let this happen...? by Rev. Peter (Mr. Dr. Tess) List is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 3.0 United States License. Based on a work at Listig.multiply.com. Permissions beyond the scope of this license may be available at Listig.multiply.com. For photo credits, click on imageIf you are wondering "Is this about..." the answer is "Yes it is," "No it isn't," and "Why are you wondering about God when you could be doing something to help somebody else?"
 When Tess was in in the E.R., I was in a text exchange with a dear heart whose life is no less in tumult than ours, but for reasons far more capricious and personal than ours.This is the expurgated version of my end of the exchange: But what afflicts us (me and Tess) is what insurance & gov't people call "acts of God" - migraines & arthritic fever (I'm sure I'm running one & its just held down by the massive meds) have no face, no will, no soul. They are both more intractible and yet less personal than what afflicts you. As angry or anguished as I've been at what has happened to us/me at times, I don't think I've ever asked "why me / us" ... Rather I ask: Why not? People get migraines & arthritis, people get hit by tornados & swallowed up in earthquakes &c [My friend said he doesn't ask "Why me?" in his situ, but would in mine / ours]  That is interesting... The only thing I ask "why me" about is why did God bless / curse me with eyes which see things most people don't see, a heart which cares about what most people don't care about... Tell me one prophet / poet, one person who sought to bring the platonic ideal into reality, who had a good lot in life? In an earlier age, I could have at least been a court jester or the town fool, and had an established / accepted role... There's some shakespeare quotation... Or maybe its him paraphrasing Scripture... About cursed be the eyes which see... And of course there's Bierce's definition of cynic which I'm sure you know by heart. But physical afflictions... Like entropy part of the universal ramifications of the fall ...  Bierce: Devil's dictionary - definition of cynicA blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. ---- Couldn't find the Shakespeare quotation to which I was alluding Illustrating images all from the Wikipedia or Wiki Commons- click or right click for infoFor you "God Geeks" - this is what is called the problem of "Theodicy" - Why does God allow evil to happen? Perhaps that once concerned me... it doesn't any more. It bothers me more that people DO evil, or sit passively by when others do it, than what God does or does not do.Rather... I think (as is so often the case) the demented damned behind South Park summed it up best in the Priest's prayer / sermon at the start of Gray Dawn:
A beloved friend who has similar training and background to mine wondered about the meaning of several of the effects I used. As previously stated, this was purely an "art for art's sake" project, but I'm glad he was able to find meaning into it. I always hope my art will inspire people to find / see the truth and beauty they need to find or see.  Since we do share a common background in the study and intrepretation of ancient texts, I did offer him this: Were someone to exegete this video, I would think it would only make sense in a Daoist or Zen sense, or perhaps if viewed as an exposition on the aristotelian concept of accidence. It features the sun, clouds, and leaves. All could be seen as representing the "fire spirit" yet all would seem very different. The Daoist or Zen adherant would say that all manifest a fire essence/dao. The aristotelian would point out that things can share one substance but vastly divergent accidence. Me... When I think of fire, I think of bright things and things moving as the clouds did, and as I made some of images. When I think of spirit, I think of something which is perceived indirectly and imperfectly. Thus the intentional blurring of the film clip and the use of blurry photos.
Its a little known fact that the Papillon discerning and severe critics of television. Here we see Marie Antoinette's beloved breed giving the paws down to Teletubbies. No papillon were harmed in the making of this video... the same cannot be said of the teletubby toys. --- Yes indeed... from the sublime & ethereal to silly schlock The previous video ("Fire Sprit inspired...") was art for its own sake, this is schlock for schlock's sake. It is not art, its a total put on. Watching it will waste moments of your life you can never recover, and may well lower your IQ. So enjoy!
Here is the whole video from youtube, where you can download it without a feeThis is the clouds clip unmodified
 Buried @ PhotoCasket Check out our video blog Decided to give ya'll bit more of the story... In September, we realized Tess' "preventative" migraine meds weren't working. Her doctor agreed, and started weaning her off them. I resolved at that point that since medicine had failed her, we would have do think thoughts unthought, do things undone. For most of the time I've been away from the online world, I've been focused on finding ways to help Tess be TESS regardless of the limitations her migraines have placed on her, to considerable success. However, while more palliative care has been provided, its not adequate... and between that and her withdrawal side effects, its been a wild ride since late September. I was ready to reemerge from hiatus last week when my body decided to remind me that there are limits to mind over matter. I don't know when it started, but the muscles on the right side of my body have been getting sore, cramping up... etc. since at least last Weds. Today I tried doing a little light puttering, and the pain was such that I almost passed out. So I'll be going to a sub-acute care clinic tomorrow about that. Last Thursday my next oldest brother gave us all a major scare- had BP over 300, was rushed to the hospital, but cause of problems yet to be determined. Its pretty ridiculous when the 81 year old matriarch of the family is healthier than half her children who are half her age! Before the pain hobbled me, I had been doing well... making progress on getting back into nursing school, doing some of my best art ever (see "fire spirit" video to be posted tonight or tomorrow) etc. Tess and I even pulled a good Halloween out of our... er... ears. I miss you all very much, and would like to be online more, but the pain which I've been trying to ignore / pull a "mind over matter" zen mind trick on is getting the better of me, and trying to work alchemy in Tess' live, to give her one even, is pretty all consuming. Hope you enjoy the "Fire Spirit - Inspired by..." video I'll be posting soon. It grew out of the slide show I posted last week... something about the music called to me... I'll write a "the making of " blog post sometime soon. I'm not able to iterate how I am, so thick the fog of pain (mine) and exhaustion (from helping Tess with hers) but it must be pretty good if I can feel the absence of you wonderful people through out the world, and listen to the call of the muses as I did in the forthcoming video.  Buried @ PhotoCasket Check out our video blog
Here's few clips of the Carman version of Poker Face, which I actually liked better than Lady Gaga's.
I like how it turned out. The music came from looking for a song about Indianapolis to set a series of skyline photos. Couldn't find one legal or apropos to use. Same with bands from Indy. So I thought etymologically... Indianapolis means "City of the land of the Indians" and behold, I found some new age / Native American fusion. It fits PERFECTLY! So one of these days, I'll do a slide show of pictures of Indianapolis' skyline with another of their tracks, but this one fit so incredibly perfectly!
 This was a real ad in a local free weekly. The first thing I thought when I saw it was... this has to be a sting... like when that police department in Michigan sent out "You have won a large screen TV" letter to people with outstanding warrants. The only way they could be more blatant is were they to offer free cheetos to all participants! I don't know if its a sting or not... I didn't call the number, and I don't use weed, I pull them.
 Still alive... Tess made it home from the hospital on schedule.Just haven't had computer on, much less been online. This was complicated / exacerbated when I injured myself repairing damage Ambrose had done to the window trim... he's as much termite as Papillon! Do have pix and vid of him ingesting cellulose to post some day. But with Halloween coming up, when all the world embraces the dark and sensual netherworld, a thought has been running through my mind... If ghosts and ghouls and creatures in black and leather and metal (ie- goths) make up the nightmares of normal people, what is the substance of the nightmares of the likes of goth types? That phrase captures it perfectly: I see... normal people! TV
Music
Movies
Now... you have to understand... "Goth" can be a fashion statement, a philosophical view of reality, a form of rebellion, or all of the above. When I use it, I use it in the "all of the above" sense.  The goth view of reality can be best described as embracing the perverse and perplexing from which most people flee... be that inside ourselves, in others, or in reality. So while being goth does not mean loving death more than life, it does mean embracing it, celebrating it even. Likewise goths embrace and celebrate sorrow, pain, darkness... all the other things which most people go to any length to avoid acknowledging the very existence of much less constructively address.Goth fashion reflects this... but there's a lot LESS there than meets the eye... at least among "all of the above" goths, philosophical goths (as opposed to teenagers out for a thrill)...
With Halloween, goths face a conundrum... on the one hand, its the time of year we can circulate freely among the vanillas without problem. On the other... if we want to have fun with it, then the best way to do so would be to leave the black and leather and metal alone, and put on a three piece suit. Wednesday Addams- in that celebration of the lighter side of Goth, the Addams Family movie- gave a great quotation about this which is actually very deep, meaningful, and poignant. Her "halloween costume" is non-nondescript. When questioned on what she is, she replies, I'm a homicidal maniac- they look just like everyone else. Isn't that so true... people who are that deranged excel at convincing people they are good, sincere, successful people. Sociology tells us that if you want to get away with something, do it in a crowded place and blend in. My most infamous not-quite relative John List seemed the epitome of WASP perfection and tragically, it was his fear that his children were going to deviate from that and get into vile rebellious things like kissing, wearing jeans, rock music, etc. which somehow convinced him that he needed to kill them to save their souls. Besides the fact that "normal" people don't get noticed... my theory of why you almost always hear "he looked so normal" after some heinous crime is this: Goths, freaks, and other well self actualized types don't have repressed frustrations... they've come to grips with who they are, and have come to love it, whether or not anyone else does. People take issue with their unique and startling forms of self expression, but isn't that so much better than the sort of repression which creates a John List? CNN commentator Jane Velez-Mitchell made the same point recently. She talked about the fellow who was accused of stalking and video taping the ESPN reporter Erin Andrews. The universal response of his friends and neighbors was shock and surprise because he seemed so "normal." VELEZ-MITCHELL: That is the defense attorney for the suspected stalker, Michael Barrett, who says this simply isn`t true, he didn`t do it. But you know, there is sometimes a pattern. And the pattern is that the absolutely normal people are sometimes accused of crimes.Source: http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0910/05/ijvm.01.html Still don't know what I'll do for Halloween yet... here in Indiana dressing up as a vegetarian poet would probably be the most outrageous thing I could do... but I've not the slightest idea how to portray that... maybe a Walt Whitman mask?
The vocal is the incomparable Marlene Dietrich - public domain - from http://www.archive.org/details/MarleneDietrich-01-10 I used Audacity 1.3 beta to add a higher and local version of the vocal to symbolize our singing with her. I chose this song because I serenaded her with it the weekend we decided to get married, but I did not sing it on this video because I'm a compassionate and merciful man. The effects are mostly Windows Movie Maker for Vista - see credits for details. The photo was taken yesterday in her hospital room (migraines, as usual) with a bouquet of zinnias my mother sent along for her The video work and pictures are Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License.  Based on a work at German lyricshttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Du,_du_liegst_mir_im_Herzen Du, du liegst mir im Herzen
English lyricshttp://www.useless-knowledge.com/1234/06may/article219.html You, you weigh on my heart. You, you weigh on my mind. You, you cause me much sorrow. You don’t know how good I am to you. Yes, yes, yes, yes, You don’t know how good I am to you. Just, just as I love you, So, so love me too. The, the tenderest feelings Do I feel now for you alone. Yes, yes, yes, yes, Do I feel now for you alone. Still, still, should I trust you, You, you so fickle in mind? You, you can rely on me. You do know how good I am to you. Yes, yes, yes, yes, You do know how good I am to you. When, when I am far away, To me, me your picture appears. Then, then fondly I wish That love unite us. Yes, yes, yes, yes, That love unite us. Order of effectsFirst- Relief more in Photofiltre --- all remaining effects done with Windows Movie Maker for Vista Version 6.xxxx --- Watercolor Threshold Pixelate Pan- upper left to lower right Sharpen Ease in Ease out Posterize Sepia Film Grain Edge dection Warp Hues entire spectrum Brightness- decrease Brightness - increase Fadeout to white Fade in to white Zoom in - upper right Zoom out - upper right Spin 360 Pan, down and zoom out |
A bull or lion or bear being emasculated by the relevant body part being slowly crushed is the best way to describe the sound I make. The sensation really is very much that of a bone break... nerves which fire are the same, intensity is the same. Going up or down the stairs (which I have to do on my rump) or transitioning from the wheel chair to anything else is likely to make this happen, and does at least half the time. The fewest "bone break" pains I've had doing the stairs is 2... 4 is more typical.
) so my first words after the roar I let out after I fell were, "Hey guys, you lost a battery down here."
